Jambo to the Honeymoon

With tying the knot at the end of July and having enjoyed a few lazy days on the Isle of Man soaking up the local atmosphere of Electric Trams and Manx cuisine (Good honest Italian fayre) my new wife and I headed to Ronaldsway airport. Our first port of call was London and on the plane Clair realised that she had left her jacket in the departure lounge. The Hostess was duly summoned and it was located. However not ones to use common sense and just bring it aboard, Clair was told to pick it up on return to the Island. Needless to say it was never seen again...So a good start. Having screeched the wheels down at Gatwick for the first time this holiday, we made haste to the Sofitel (I don't know what this means but I'm guessing hotel was melted into it, and soft what?) - It was good value and good food (my glass of wine alone came to half of the meal total - best £60 we ever spent) - No I jest. And browsing the in-room TV entertainment I simply had to lay my card behind reception. Honeymoon bedroom antics? I know what you're thinking and yes I am full of romance, but it's not every night you get to chill out to Aliens in the Attic. After a leasurely breakfast we headed to the Airport, but not before I had to go back to our room to rescue my jacket this time. We had an aeon to wait for our flight to Mombassa, so this was killed by parading the usual shops, laughing at the usual people whilst sitting sighing in those seats you pick out like a hawk - "Quick - there's two seats there with nobody adjoining - Go!" A majority of time was killed by reading our latest purchases from WH Smith's. I just wish I was the guy sitting opposite us with a camera. Clair is absorbed in the tear-jerking "I miss my Mummy" - a heartbraking tale of a little child's confusion at why she cannot live with her beloved parents and is frightened to show her true emotion to those close to her. Next to her I am reading Frankie Boyle's biography "My Shit Life So Far" - If I had a photo of that one, it would be my wallpaper. My actual wallpaper.

Bing Bong. Get to Gate 952, your flight to Mombassa is being checked for grenades. By that point I wouldn't have cared if there was a 50% chance of getting blown up, I was on that flight. Now I'm not a snob, but being in Premium class does have it's advantages over the paupers, I mean economy class. For instance, you are called first to board which means you can slowly walk past the rest of the cattle with a little smirk on your face that says "I'm better than you" or simply "Schmer, by the time you get on I'll be on my 3rd Champagne" -Which wasn't far from the truth really....Of course the big advantage is the leg-room, not that a plane is anywhere I've been able to sleep for any length of time. After the brandy, my overnight flight consisted of watching every dross available and then again like a zombie on skunk. Unfortunatly for Clair it consisted of constant visits to the lav. It was now that I learned that Clair doesn't do flights over 4 hours. And this was nearly 9. Shit.

We finally touched down at Mombassa Airport around 7am local time and was relieved we'd sorted our visas out beforehand. The queues were stupid, and after an all night flight was the last thing I could be arsed with. We got through the usual glares at security and was vagually told our coach was somewhere up the road and on the right. Before I knew it there were locals nabbing our cases and taking them to the coach. "How nice" I thought before slipping him probably a months wages in Kenyan schillings (ok I was tired and just threw the first note I found at him) - The coach journey was a bit of a killer too both physically and mentally. Pot-holes are clearly a mainstay and it doesn't matter where you go on the road as long as you avoid them. Most of the time this meant driving in the ditch next to the actual road. This hurt the arse and spine, but seeing the way the majority live on the streets breaks your heart. If you have a corrugated iron roof you are a toff. If you have a roof you are middle class. If you have a hut you are stable. You know where I'm going with this so I won't hammer the point but it's desperately sad.

There is no easy way to link that with arriving at our amazing resort without sounding like a complete bastard, so I won't even try but it does give you a tinge of guilt regardless.

JAMBO was screamed at us as we stepped down from the coach but before I struck out at anyone I learnt that Jambo was Kenyan for Hello. OK, I'll let them off this time. Our room was awsome, no TV which was a refreshing change and a great view over the Indian Ocean. I never made it out onto the balcony for the wild monkeys. They were everywhere, and would groom themselves madly on the balcony whilst looking for crisps. You are advised on arrival not to feed them or leave your balcony door open as they will ransack the place so I wasn't being cruel I just laughed every time the monkey family sent up it's smallest, cutest monkey to gaze through the window longingly for breakfast to tempt you. In our room the staff had carfully laid towels crafted into swans that looped into a heart shape on our bed, a bottle of plonk and an invitaion to a special honeymoon dinner by the management which was nice. I was impressed by the standard of food that set the tone for a week-long love affair with everything from buttered courgettes to a goat on a spit. At every meal there were a minimum of 5 chefs cooking in front of you and every step of the way the staff were attentive and simply loved guests. Which is always a bonus. I was almost expecting (well hoping) on our Safari overnight stop in a hotel on sticks in the middle of the Tsavo for the Manager to say "Can I ask what you expect to see out of a Kenyan bedroom window? Herds of Wilderbeast sweeping majestically accross the plains?" Just so I could say "Well, Yes" - Now I won't mention much about the Safari itself apart from it was awsome and seen almost everything I wanted too but one point of note I must mention was our driver. Brian. From the off it appeared he was a novice as he tended to follow the other drivers and would not bleat on about the history of every animal we saw, and that's if he said anything at all. He would usually just drive on leaving us guessing what the hell that horned thing was in the distance. I can let him off for that but when your road is crossed by a herd of angry elephants I expected a bit of assertiveness from Brian. No. Instead, he turned to us and said "Do you think it's safe to drive through?" - Now I'm not afraid to mix it up with the big boys but I've seen the size of their shit. And that aint good. I advised Brian to make a ewe turn (it's eyes watered) - Sorry, and we swiftly fled.

The second day started normally enough before a huge disaster unfolded before our eyes which threatened to ruin our whole honeymoon. Clair had left her Shampoo at Gatwick. To the untrained ear it sounded like I was caught with another woman. And her husband. With the cat. I eventually explained to my darling wife that we could "get through this" and we taxied it to the local supermarket to get some shampoo. OK it's not "thee" shampoo but she shrugged and said "It'll do" - I smiled and got myself some crisp snacks and some sweet tasting biscuits. That night at the bar I realised there were some things you should never joke about with Kenyan barmen. We got talking and I said I was on honeymoon and said I'd find him a woman back home to marry. Big mistake. He came over later and said "I'm only working tonight, you find me woman - shhh I don't want the boss finding out" - When he went off, I decided it was time to dart into the restaraunt to avoid thrashing out a financial deal.

Another obvious thing but has to be said is how utterly annoying the French are. These two garlic gasbags didn't do much but talk. And talk. And talk and.....I wanted to throttle them but eventually just had some sick fantasies about them falling into the lion's den. Eventually even he would have to spit the crap out for the vultures to feed on.

They had nightly entertainment at the resort which was conducted in what was called the porini ampitheatre. Mostly it was African music and dancing which was great, one charted the whole history of the African race through music which was amazing. However the highlight has to be their production of "Mama Mia" - It was quality, you just don't expect to see Kenyans doing a show involving a Swedish groups music. The singing was all mimed but it was mimed to African voices - which baffled me a bit!

I'm getting bored now and I bet you are too so here's a few final tips for Kenyan Travel:

1. Don't say cheese for photographs, say spaghetti

2. If the guy at the market says it's x amount of schillings, halve it and that's about right

3. Don't feed monkeys crisps, they shit on your balcony - CLAIR

4. Charge your video camera and camera BEFORE you go on Safari.

5. You can never say Jambo enough.

Until next time - JAMBO!

Livin la VISA

Ok so I have saved you from the drivel for a while, at least until anything of any remote interest in regards to my Shanghai trip cropped up. To which it did, on "Good" Friday thanks to my good friend James. Now I'd be the first to admit that my Parish Walk training schedule hasn't been as measured as I'd have liked since January although I'm still praying for my car to break down, but on this particularly glorious and sunny Good Friday, James and myself set off for a few miles walk. Coming back into the smog of Douglas town, James casually raised in conversation how my chinese visa application had gone. Cue blood drain from face and high pitched "what the...?" It was obvious my lack of physical exursions of late was having some effect on my mental abilities too. Visa? What? I had done NOTHING. With 4 days to stew this over, I got on the case immediately and did what any other right minded person would do. I hit the beer. Big time. When I woke up Tuesday morning, my organisational skills kicked into overdrive, I compiled the necessary and sent them all off to the agency to the Chinese Embassy. Then came a snag. I required a letter from the IOM Court (due to a slight misdemeanor with the law a few years back) - so this was duly forwarded to the agency. Communications with said people is a bit like trying to contact Elvis at a Fast Food Restaraunt -You know they're there but they just won't friggin answer. Then joy! I spoke to someone who vagually sounded like they worked there and wasn't just a cleaner passing a phone deciding to have a laugh. I was informed that "my visa would be sent on 28th April and I will receive it the next day" - Hmm. I am still a bit suspicious. Though with time marching on, I have to hold out hope. Watch this space.....

Shanghai or bust

Well hello there happy campers it's Nick back with more interesting jargon for you to chew over at a big table. Shanghai. My latest adventure set for the middle of May and if the picture on your left (right if you favour pc usage hanging down from the ceiling) is anything to go by, then I'm gonna need a coat full of spikes to get through the throng (I said "throng" you dirty scoundrels, you know who you are!) - But enough about pants, I mean crowds. I've never been east before so for all those who wish to give me useful tips on how to eat and things, please feel free to post some advice. A good friend of mine has already very kindly pointed out not to venture into a KFC. They have a different outlook on best parts of chicken. And that's even after explaining to me that choosing from a local menu is like Russian Roulette. Only deadlier. That being said I am excited by this new adventure, testing unknown waters east side. It will certainly be the furthest east I've been since that trip to Croydon. So as I sit in the chilly January breeze my mind can wander to the soaring heat (May isn't flood season is it?) of Shanghia. I do intent on loosing a bit of belly fat before I head over there - I'm sure it would be noticable even in a sea of thousands you could probably spot the tubby manx lad waltzing through the crowd whistling "slow boat to china" - obviously realising prior-take off that another airline has bitten the dust and gone to meet it's maker in the......sky? The attempt at a healthier lifestyle is all targeted around this years Parish Walk in June (more on that to follow later I'm sure) - this time the aim is to carry on being healthier "after" the walk. Last year post-parish goodness lasted about half an hour. I was crumpled in a chair, my crippled body reaching out for pizza and beer. The good life? I'll tell you what it's like in July.....Stay tuned for more interesting drivel...

So this is Christmas......

All we are saying is give peace a chance as John Lennon once sang. Tomorrow marks the 28th Anniversary of his untimely death at the hands of a deluded and psychotic Mark Chapman. If John were around today he'd be one of the first to acknowledge that peace is still a long way away, maybe even further than when he were alive. Lennon also stated in his Christmas song "Happy Xmas (war is over)" that "war is over, if you want it" - indicating that it is all of us together as human beings that have a choice. At Christmas time more than ever people take stock of their lives, their situations and their aims for the future. After all the whole essence of Christmas is about peace (yes and love Ringo) stemming from the arrival of Jesus Christ to cleanse us of our sins and show us the righteous path to salvation. However Jesus, like Lennon, would also note the sheer distance we all are from peace in todays world, from the wars being fought sporadically on Jesus' doorstep in Jerusalem and the ongoing conflicts in Afghanistan to the gangland cultures in most jurisdictions. It is the people responsible for and involved with such misery on this Planet that we all want the message of peace to reach the most. Can I see it happening anytime soon? The unfortunate answer is no, I can't. Throughout history there have been many people wanting to dominate and oppress others and as we all know it would take a titanic effort to change the mindsets of people who see power, at any means, as their birthright. Yet I don't want to leave this on a pessimistic note so I won't! Instead I'll leave you with a thought provoking quote from the philosopher and author Ralph Waldo Trine:

“To be at one with God is to be at peace ...peace is to be found only within, and unless one finds it there he will never find it at all. Peace lies not in the external world. It lies within one's own soul."

As this is probably my last blog of the year may I take this opportunity of wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and good luck for 2009.

Nick

17 Years to make the emperors new clothes

So Chinese Democracy is finally coming out and it's arriving before the advent of Chinese democracy (which most never said it would!), 17 years since the last G'n'R originals album, 15 years after a contractual fillers album of cover versions and there's nobody left from the original line up in the band, save Axl Rose. It's obviously been a labour of love/ego *delete where appropriate. Various tracks that were alledgedly recorded for the album have been leaked over the last few years, in fact when the recording for this started, there wasn't really an "online" and the only way to get hold of unreleased songs from a band was tape trading! Back in the day, this band could do no wrong at all, they were hailed as the embodyment of "Rock and Roll", but in these more "enlightened" times, does this still hold true? Is there still a place for a band that trashes dressing rooms if the Evian isn't chilled to 1.5 degrees and a brown M&M sneaks its way in to the backstage bowl? I think there is... In this age of reality show created celebrity, it's refreshing that someone like Axl comes back to haunt the kingmakers of the music industry by reminding them of the way things used to be when bands were signed on the quality of their songs and musicianship (as well as some marketability admittedly). Kind of Marleys Ghost for the remaining shreds of the record industry.

Question is though musically, is it a valid product for the 21st century? It's not a question of whether this album is any good, it's more of a case of is it worth the wait, has Axl and his crack team of studio musicians and occasional live band hired hands been able to make something that is listenable? The issue of whether it's a progression from the Use Your Illusion albums is plainly moot, too much water has passed under the bridge since then for one, but the main reason is that it's a completely different band since those albums were recorded.

Back in the days of Appitite' I used to be a big fan, but does the older me still connect with what the 18 year old me enjoyed? Sadly on hearing this, the answer is a resounding meh! It's not that it's a bad album, it's just not a memorable one. There's nothing that I've heard that really make me sit up and take notice. It's not even a case of saying "17 years and this is all they did?" it's more a question of what was he doing for 16 years and 9 months and then chucked this out since this summer?

I'm not going to go into the merits of individual songs here as there's a variety of disparate styles (while still being in the same genre) and some of these might sit easier with some than others, but objectivity ends up being chucked out of the window when you're dealing with something like this. I really wanted to like it, I wanted this album to be the masterpiece that itwas threatened to be and thats where the problem lies. It's been too long in the making and too hyped to be just another album and sadly that's all it is

Titanic - shaping maritime future

At 12 noon on April 10th 1912 the most luxurious and ambitious ship in engineering design built for it's time set sail from the dock of Southampton bound for New York. It never reached New York. Instead it found itself confound to the History books for all time. The Titanic whom the press had dubbed "unsinkable" struck an iceberg and sank into the icy depths of the Atlantic at 2.20am on April 15th 1912 claiming the lives of 1,517 passengers and crew. Many theories have been given as to why this great Ship came to such a short, tragic end. Vast shortage of lifeboats, no binoculars on the crows nest, ice-berg warnings going amiss, no lifeboat drill training on the morning prior to the collision with the iceberg, the ship carrying on full speed ahead in spite of iceberg warnings being received from other liners, no ships coming to Titanic's aid, to name but a few. My belief is that it was simply a disastrous recipe of all the above ingredients. A cross between man made errors and pure fate if you believe in that. Going back to Maritime law of the day, it was standard practice to retain speed (which in Titanic's case was around a quick 22-23 knots) even when iceberg reports came through - hard to imagine I know, and it was no coincidence that any sailing post-Titanic would be guilty of negligence if they did the same thing.

So what other changes did the Titanic disaster bring about? First and I suppose obviously, in the future there would be enough lifeboats per craft for those on board. Also implemented on Ships therafter would be mandated lifeboat drills, 24 Hour ship radio with back up systems, red flares were to be officially recognised as distress signals (a famous rumour on Titanic was that their red distress flares were taken as celebratory firworks by nearby ships, therefore delaying any rescues.) In addition to these changes, the International Ice Patrol was founded which to this day still patrol the Atlantic for potential hazardous ice-bergs, sheet ice, etc.

So from one great ship came a set of new rules and standards that make todays nautical journeys all the more safer and secure. It's just unfortunate that, like so many things, mankind learns the important lessons needed for progress from a tragedy, in this case a tragedy that took the souls of so many innocent people and such dedicated crew....the ultimate price to pay for shaping our maritime future.

Can't actually see the difference

I got a surprise today when I switched my PC on, it turns out that the ADSL speed has been upgraded by our switched on monopolistic ISP. Trouble is that there is absolutely no difference in the speed of pages/downloads/connections whatsoever. Now I do know that there is a contention rate of 50:1 on the local exchange and that the download speed relies on the upload speed of the machine that I'm connecting to, but to see absolutely no change whatsoever is still a little bit puzzling. After doing a little research I've found that while the actual connection speed is now 3 times the previous amount, ISP's can still throttle the amount of traffic for certain services and types of connection. So while they are still claiming to offer speeds of up to 8Mbps, they can (and do) only let you have access to a certain percentage of these. What is the point of this? The only one that I can think of is that they want to pay lip service to the fact that they can offer the same service that companies (including themselves under a different name) in the UK have available, but don't actually have to provide the same end result. What can we do about this? At the moment next to sod all if you've not been with them for the requisite amount of time to change your contract and move to an alternative provider (that they are supplying wholesale to, so it probably makes no odds anyway)